The Choice Of Fates Hands

[Syan 3 Point Oh]

So this is a novel i just started writing. I'm aiming to become a famous author.

Edited a little thanks to superfish's expertise critique.

Let me know what you guys think.

Prologue;
We all exist in the boundaries of fate. Suffering, death, and pain abound, some of us living, most of us dead. I live today with my old friend from that terrible past of tragedy and inhumane suffering to re-tell the our story from its origin and let the world know that its time has come to an end.

Chapter one (not complete);
A scrap of paper lazily floated on the breeze, heading through a once vastly populated and cheerful town, now reduced to ashes and dust. The wind flung up layers of dirt and debris, sending it swirling into the silent air. It swam down hill where two lonely men sat in the ruins of their once joyous homes, the only stuff remaining was the stuff they had taken with them to war. One of them was strumming a guitar, his face warped into an expression of eternal sadness, the other with a look that shows he knows the cruelty of this world. The wind lifted their hair and then dropped it, hoping for a response from either of them, nothing, not even a blink or a sigh. They had grown accustomed to it, and no longer had the patience to deal with it. They glanced at each other and a conversation finally began.
"How could this be?" One asked.
The other looked down at his guitar and sighed, emotions running through his eyes, "Through our own stupidity, our life has been taken."
His eyes closed as the tears of pain, finally released from their chambers ran across his dirt covered face. As the tears fell to the ground, more drips of water fell. The air seemed to chill them to the bone, as drip by drip, the rain grew.
The other looked into the air his once silky and full of life hair, being pounded on by the rain, "It's times like this, when i wish our child..." He stopped as he choked, lost for words, his eyes filled with the memories that he had lost.
His friend nodded, and he reached out and patted his back. "It'll be..." He stopped too as he recalled, the day, the day they had become friends.

Normally people would avoid a day like this, it was cold wet, and pretty much, terrible. A day that ordinarily would make people run to their house and just live inside of it for the rest of their life, but this day was being taken over by the children, their faces were bright and cheerful, their eyes filled with happiness. The rain smashed into the ground sending driplets of sheer cold water flying into the air. The screams and laughter of happy children filled the playground as they chased each other around. His eyes watched every moment and every gesture watching from the shadows he hid in. The ground seemed to shake for him as one of the children got knocked back and smashed into a wall close to the watcher's location. "Thats what you get for toying with us brat!" One of the class bullies spat on the kids face and left a shoe print on his cheek. "Yeah well..." the now bruised and beaten kid stated as he watched the bullies walk away, his courage drifting with them.



--Too be continued >:D
Please Review, and tell me if you found something like bad grammar or spelling. Thanks!

[Superfish]

hmm i like where its going but i have a few tips.. spend a little more time describing stuff and explaining things, i like the words your using to describe stuff but your not actually describing it. such as

One of them was strumming a guitar, his face warped into an expression of eternal sadness, the other with a look that shows he knows the cruelty of this world.


Tears rolled down his face as the rain began to fall.. some tips on this sentence..sense it says nothing of them expecting rain, or anything that they knew rain was coming, so instead you should have said "Tears rolled down his face as rain, drops of rain, a drop of rain, etc. fell. and to take it a step further, the scene would be even more dramatic if you said something like "A single tear ran down his cheek as he recalled the memory of (fill this in with whatever). He quickly wiped the tear away and studied the other man's face who was next to him. His eyes had grown cold and weary and his once joyful face, had warped into a battle scared, and cold. face of a man who had seen too much death. Another tear rolled own his face, every nerve in his body trying to hold it back. He then felt a the cold tingle of a raindrop falling his shoulder. He looked up to be bombarded by a light shower of rain.
"I've always loved the rain." He said to the man next to him, choking on his words, and tears streaming down his face and he wept about everything that had come to happen, and everything that the future held for them.

Yeah, i know it could be better, but i wrote in like 2 minutes...anyways, it would also help to know the time frame in which this story is happening in. and lastly, just take longer to write. i know it seems unnesesary to write soo much for one chapter, but when have you ever read a book and the chapter only been a page long? Exactly, you havent, most chapters are at the very lest, like 4 or 5 pages long. Just read a lot of book, and try to gather knowlage on how they write books and it will defiinately help you (try reading the Inheritance Cycle, it will be the best 4 books you will ever read)

Haha ok now that iv read yours and told you what i thought could you possibly go read mine? Its on the thread called "The first chapter of ma book" And i have the first two chapters written on it :3

[Syan 3 Point Oh]

Superfish, the first chapter is actually 8 pages long (on paper) i just didn't finish typing it up. I ran out of time last night.

Also i edited the OP (original post) tell me if thats any better?

Also Also, i'll read your story 2mrow

[Syan 3 Point Oh]

okay continuation of chapter one;

The boy hiding in the shadows stepped out, his raven black hair falling over his eyes. "You okay?" He asked, his voice seeming to come from his hands rather then his mouth. The other kid, his hair short and a light gray, looked up. "Yeah i'm fine..." He said as he wiped the spit off of his face. "Aeon right?" He asked when he had finished. The other kid looked at him. "Yeah... and you are?" Aeon asked. "Names Shadow, it's a pleasure to meet you!" Shadow got up and held out his hand. Aeon with a smile on his face shook his new friends hand.'

--To be continued... D: i have no time now a days

[CiCi]

I like where it's heading, so far. I agree with Fisheh over der, too.
Me, being me, hates reading paragraphs like that. xD
Where like, it goes on and on and on without a space in between the paragraphs. But that's just me, it nags at my brain. Other than that, I liek itttt.

[Syan 3 Point Oh]

Yeah this is still my rough draft, so critique is much appreciated. ^-^
I'll put that into use thanks.